


fill the void (in my heart)

by squirtotles



Category: Gugudan (Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-26
Updated: 2017-04-26
Packaged: 2018-10-24 04:16:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10733934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squirtotles/pseuds/squirtotles
Summary: In so far as one denies what is, one is possessed by what is not, the compulsions, the fantasies, the terrors that flock to fill the void.





	fill the void (in my heart)

**Author's Note:**

> I promise this is not as distressing as it sounds, so i hope all of you enjoy it as much as i enjoyed writing it (: Comments are always appreciated!

Nayoung hears the clanking sound of the ladder amidst the light snores of the other sleeping members, and it doesn’t require a genius for her to know that Sejeong has just returned from her individual schedules. She cracks one eyelid open, hears the subtle attempt Sejeong makes to unfold her duvet and slip underneath the covers, and she can almost visualize the other girl tucking herself into bed. She hears Sejeong sigh contently, and when she hears the steady breathing of the younger girl, Nayoung closes her opened eyelid and smiles to herself. Her smile lasts for ten seconds at most, and when she remembers that Sejeong will be up and out of the dormitory by the time she wakes up the next morning, her blood starts to boil, so she rolls on her bed to lie on her other arm, and forces herself to sleep, to stop thinking.

 

//

 

The dormitory is empty, with the exception of Nayoung herself slouching on the couch, fiddling with the remote control as she continues to flip through the channels on the television idly, as she did for the past few hours. The other members had gone out for lunch and possibly dinner too, and with today being their only off day without having any practices or lessons, Bora had suggested the idea of them spending some time together outside of the dorm, but Nayoung had opt out immediately, excluding herself with the excuse that there’s no point for a gathering if not all nine members are present.

 

“But Sejeong won’t be returning home till late afternoon,” Bora had urged her, slightly desperate for a bonding time together.

 

“We can have dinner together,” Nayoung had tried with an alternative plan, but Bora had shaken her head.

 

Their discussion ended there and then, with Mimi stopping Bora from further persuading Nayoung to join them, well aware that the latter could be as stubborn as mule if she wanted to.

 

Now Nayoung hears the clicking sound of their door and she knows that Sejeong is back, and ignoring the slight increase in the rate of her heartbeat and her hopes of spending some quality time with the other girl after what feels like eternity, she puts up a façade, a face that appears nonchalant and unperturbed.

 

“You’re back?”

 

Her voice doesn’t betray her, and so does her actions as her eyes remain glued to the screen, but she barely understands the show she appears to be watching. She hears Sejeong hum in acknowledgement, taking off her cloak and dusting off small speckles of snow.

 

“Wanna grab dinner together?” Nayoung asks before Sejeong has time to ask about the rest, and the moment of hesitation as she waits for Sejeong’s reply feels like forever. She has a premonition that her plan isn’t going to go well, and she doesn’t expect much, but Nayoung still tries to hold onto that little string of hope, only for it to be crushed a second later.

 

“I’m meeting Chungha for dinner,” Sejeong says, her voice barely above a whisper, “You know, Kim Chungha.”

 

Nayoung takes note of how Sejeong made sure not to mention anything regarding the reality show consisting of a hundred and one members that they took part in, and she snorts in her head.

 

“Sure, have fun,” Nayoung says in the nicest tone she can manage, at the same time pressing the off button on the remote control. The television screen turns black, and she gets to her feet and makes her way towards her room.

 

“Do you want me to get you anything?” Sejeong calls from the living room, and Nayoung stops for a second, hand on the doorknob as she leaves the door ajar. She curses mentally for no good reason, and settles for no reply, so she shuts the door close with a little more force than necessary, plops on her bed, and plugs in her earphones.

 

//

 

It’s Nayoung’s turn to do the dishes today, so she walks over the sink with heavy footsteps and stares at the plates and pans that are stained with overcooked food from Mimi’s horrendous cooking. She washes her hands and fills her palms with soap, at the same time hearing the chattering from outside their front door, and it can only mean that Sejeong is back with Haebin and Sojin from their vocal lesson.

 

“I was so sure that my voice was about to crack!”

 

Nayoung hears Haebin’s exaggerated voice as she talks to the other two members, and she grins to herself.

 

“And I actually wished it did!”

 

Nayoung doesn’t need to think to know that the slightly lower tone and raspy voice belongs to Sejeong. She laughs to herself as she imagines Sejeong poking fun of the other members, teeth flashing and eyes the shape of a crescent moon, her dishes long forgotten.

 

“Nayoung?”

 

She hears Sejeong call her from behind, and she swivels her head around just in time to catch Sojin making a beeline to her bedroom, to sleep, of course (typical Sojin thing), and guesses that Haebin is probably still at the doorsteps, arranging their shoes.

 

“Yeah?” Nayoung says, her tone so uncharacteristically gentle.

 

“Anything I can help with?”

 

Nayoung eyes her pile of dishes, but that’s not really what she wants for Sejeong to help out with. In fact, she thinks that there’s nothing Sejeong could do to help her, it’s beyond her control.

 

“I just wish that I have ten pairs of hands to do the dishes faster,” Nayoung jokes, letting Sejeong’s voice ring in her ears as she breaks into a fit of giggles, “And then maybe we would have time to just sit down and talk about stuff.”

 

Sejeong’s laughter soon dies down, and she cracks a pained smile. “Me too, but I have to leave in half an hour for a commercial shoot.”

 

Nayoung had expected this outcome, but whenever Sejeong confirms it with her own mouth, Nayoung can’t help but to hurt once more deep down.

 

“Go get some rest, then,” she says, turning her body back to the sink.

 

“I’m sorry, Nayoung,” Sejeong’s voice is frail and weak, and Nayoung hates the feeling she experiences in the area between her lungs. She hears the sound of Sejeong’s footsteps getting softer and softer, and hears the sound of the scrubbing of dishes growing louder and louder.

 

She makes a point to finish washing the dishes after thirty minutes, so when Sejeong reappears in the living room with a completely new set of clothes, Nayoung stacks the plates high up in the cabinet.

 

“I’m leaving,” Sejeong says, stopping at the living room to peer into the kitchen.

 

“Stay safe,” Nayoung says without turning her head. She continues to arrange the plates, but when she’s done and climbed off the ladder, Sejeong is standing right behind her, hands in the pockets of her denim skirt.

 

“Wanna sit down and chat later?” Sejeong asks, a smirk barely creasing the features of her face. “I should be back before midnight.”

 

“Sure,” her reply is immediate, her expectation raised and her hopes lifted.

 

“Okay, then,” Sejeong gives Nayoung a quick hug, before she scurries to put on her shoes. “See you later.”

 

“See you,” Nayoung tries to resist the urge to grin widely, but to no avail as her face turns into an embarrassing hue of pink. She watches as Sejeong leaves their dormitory, a toothy grin plastered on her face. Nayoung never knew she was _that_ gullible.

 

That night, she tosses and turns on the couch, watching as the hands of the wall clock tick by, at a pace that’s excruciatingly and painfully slow. She dismisses the questions posed to her by the other members, and despite Bora’s several attempts to convince her to go to bed, nagging along the lines of, _we have to report to the practice room to train for our comeback early morning tomorrow_ , Nayoung brushes all of them away and manages to sneak out to the living room.

 

She eyes the clock wearily, and an hour and a half goes by with her doing absolutely nothing, besides breathing and thinking. The clock strikes midnight, and Nayoung’s eyes switches their target to the door, as if she’s expecting Sejeong to burst in any moment. That, of course, didn’t have any chance of happening, so an hour after midnight, Nayoung walks herself to her room, tiptoeing her way towards her own bed. Her pillow is damp as she closes her eyes to sleep.

 

//

 

The eight girls gather in the dance room, mirroring the instructor’s movements as they try to memorize the dance steps at the same time. The instructor leaves after teaching the main points, leaving them alone to go through the steps over and over again. Bora issues a break time of no more than ten minutes, and the members are either sprawled on the floor or making their way towards the water cooler.

 

“Whoa Nayoung,” Mimi exclaims as she takes her seat beside the said girl, a cup of iced water in her hand, “You look half dead.”

 

Nayoung doesn’t try to argue otherwise as she nods her head slowly. Her eye bags are heavy and her eyelids are droopy since the moment she woke up this morning, and they were so obvious that it isn’t a surprise if the other members are able to take notice of it.

 

“Did Sejeong come home late? I didn’t see her when we left the house this morning,” Hyeyeon chirps in.

 

Nayoung shrugs her shoulders, because she honestly doesn’t have a clue. Anger starts to course through her veins again, so she gets to her feet before she takes it out on the innocent members.

 

“Should we resume our training?”

 

The other members are too caught off guard to say anything, and Bora agrees, for the sake of doing so. Nayoung recalls the instructor’s words, and her head is filled with nothing but dance steps for now.

 

//

 

Nayoung sits cross-legged on the bottom bunk of the double decker bed, a mirror in one hand and a cotton wool in the other. She wipes off the make up on her face, and suddenly her mind is filled with Sejeong, and the absence of the girl in their dormitory. A wave of futile rage sweeps over her, her eyes flashes with resentment and she rubs the make up off from her face with more force, her skin peeling and reddening angrily. Bora walks past her and into the bathroom with an incredulous look, but she stays mum, and speaking of the devil, the door to their bedroom clicks open.

 

“I’m back!” Sejeong says excitedly. Nayoung hears Bora greeting her from the bathroom, sees a bolster being hurled from the top bunk of the double decker bed, but she remains unresponsive.

 

“Nayoung,” Sejeong says, her eyes crinkling with anticipation as she looks in her direction.

 

“Get out,” Nayoung says, barely even sparing the other girl a glance. “I don’t want to see your face.”

 

“What?” Sejeong forces a laugh at the end of her sentence.

 

“It’s either you or me,” Nayoung says, her words no longer making sense. “Get out before I do.”

 

Sejeong stares back at her with her jaw hanging, her hands up in the air. Bora brushes her teeth with more concentration and Mimi goes silent as she pretends to fall asleep at the top bunk.

 

“What the hell, Nayoung?” Sejeong’s tone rises to almost a shout, but Nayoung glares back at her with a fixed gaze. With a roll of her eyes, Sejeong snatches her pillow and blanket from her bed, walking out of the room and slamming the door so loud that it’s probably going to wake the members up from the other room. Nayoung overhears her talking to someone in the hallway, possibly Mina, grumbling audibly, as if for her to hear – _Nayoung’s crazy, so I’m sleeping on the couch tonight._ She acknowledges the insult, so when Mina enters the room, she shoots a sarcastic smile in her direction, before proceeding to lie on her bed.

 

“Are you okay?” Mina asks with a tone dripping with concern, and Nayoung almost feels guilt hit her all at once. _Almost_. Mina pats her shoulder softly, and Nayoung is subconsciously on the brink of tears, but she’s suddenly reminded of all the times Sejeong left her, and she’s filled with a burning fury all over again. _How can I be okay?_ Nayoung thinks to herself.

 

“I’m fine, Mina,” Nayoung says with her back facing the younger girl, “Go to sleep.”

 

Mina goes to her bed obediently. Nayoung hasn’t heard a sound from Mimi ever since, so she assumes that the other girl has fallen asleep for real, and even when Bora walks to switch off the lights in their bedroom, she doesn’t look or say anything to Nayoung, so the four of them lie on their respective beds, quiet and noiseless, very much contrary to their usual nights, where the room would be filled with boisterous laughter and energetic shouts, and Nayoung would have to shush Sejeong up every five minutes, or the other members would complain from the other room. But tonight, the room is so empty and the eerie silence rings in Nayoung’s ears, and even though her anger has subsided, she wonders if a pillow and a blanket is enough to keep Sejeong warm through the night.

 

//

 

“Holy shit, it’s Sejeong!”

 

Hyeyeon points toward the television screen, and eight pair of eyes are suddenly fixed on it, gaping in awe.

 

“I’m so, so proud of her,” Bora says in a voice that makes her sound too much like a mother, as the advertisement continues to flash across the screen.

 

“She’s worked so hard for this, though,” Haebin comments, “People see her as the cheerful and bubbly girl she is on the screen, but they don’t get to see the sacrifices she makes to stand at where she is right now.”

 

The other members nod their heads furiously in agreement, and Nayoung joins in the crowd reluctantly, but she knows that Haebin is speaking the truth. She recognizes Sejeong’s efforts and hard work, but she wishes the other girl would cut herself some slack; to do things that she enjoys and spend time with her loved ones.

 

“Where’s Sejeong, anyway?” Xiening questions, “I thought I saw her come home not long ago.”

 

“Sleeping in her room, I guess,” Mimi suggests, shrugging her shoulders in doubt.

 

“I’ll go check on her.” Nayoung’s feet are on autopilot before she has time to register her words, making their way straight to the bedroom.

 

“Make sure not to disturb her!” Bora warns, to which Nayoung replies with a wave of her hand.

 

She turns the doorknob slowly and carefully, peeping into the bedroom to witness Sejeong sleeping. Oddly, yet not unfamiliarly, the younger girl is curled into a ball on Nayoung’s bed instead of her own, hands tucked below the pillow and her lips slightly apart. The corners of Nayoung’s mouth tilt upward and she squats on the floor, observing the lines and wrinkles of the sleeping girl’s face as she snores lightly. Cautiously, she brushes a strand of hair from the younger girl’s face, tucking it behind her ears. She retracts her wrist, but is caught in midair as Sejeong wraps her fingers around it, eyes still closed.

 

“Nayoung,” she murmurs dreamily, placing both of their hands on the bed. It’s amazing how the other girl manages to recognize her despite having her eyes closed, and Nayoung can’t help but to break into a smile.

 

“Sleep,” Nayoung urges her, fingers threading through the disheveled hair of the girl she would give anything up for.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sejeong says, and repeats her words like a broken record. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

 

Nayoung feels her eyes sting, but she wipes the beads of tears spilling from the corners of Sejeong’s eyes before they land on the pillow.

 

“I understand,” Nayoung sniffs, her hand holding the other girl’s, and she plans to never let go. “I’m sorry for being so selfish all this while.”

 

A chuckle escapes Sejeong’s lips, her eyes still closed, and Nayoung keeps the smile on her face for the longest time now, even as her cheekbones start to hurt, even as the other girl goes to sleep and she’s left all alone again. But as she eyes their interlaced fingers, Nayoung starts to think that maybe this time it’s different, maybe this time she’s not alone.

 

//

 

Nayoung wakes up to shuffling noises, and she observes through her half-lidded eyes as Sejeong climbs down the metal ladder. The room is dark, safe for the sunrise, allowing light to seep through the gaps of the closed curtains, brightening the room slightly. Sejeong fishes her clothes from her wardrobe as quietly as possible, occasionally turning her head around to make sure she doesn’t wake the other members up. By the time she’s back from changing her clothes, she dumps her pajamas in one corner of her bed, scurrying from one end of the room to the other, gathering her things, most probably running late. She makes it to the door, but halts when Nayoung calls out to her.

 

“Sejeong,” she whispers harshly, not really bothering to keep her voice low. The younger girl looks at her, eyes stricken with a slight fear of disrupting the other members’ sleep, but Nayoung couldn’t really care less.

 

“Have fun,” she says, watching in amusement as the other girl presses her index finger to her lips urgently, signaling for Nayoung to stay quiet. And when she does, she’s met with a smile so genuine that it could light up her day. Sejeong soon slips out of the door, and the silence ringing in the room doesn’t feel lonely anymore, and is instead soothing and comforting.

 

//

 

Dinner had been an abrupt decision, where the members got home just on time for the last meal of the day, but without a plan on what to eat.

 

“Can’t you cook something?” Mimi points a finger at Mina accusingly, who looks as if she had been wronged.

 

“I could, but that’ll be too time-consuming for our hungry stomachs!”

 

As if on cue, Nayoung feels her stomach growl, and she blushes in embarrassment. “Let’s just order something in?”

 

After all the hassle, they managed to fill their stomachs to the brim, and the members who claimed to have a ‘super bad food coma’ headed straight to their beds almost immediately after scarfing down their food.

 

Nayoung is eventually one of the last few to escape the living room, heading to her bed when she hears the jingling of keys and the turning of the doorknob. Stopping in her tracks, she hears Sejeong returning home, and she turns around just in time to see the other girl flashing her a toothy grin, eyelids so heavy she barely manages to crack them open.

 

“Hey,” Sejeong says, plopping down on the couch, her body going limp and her eyes shutting close.

 

“Hey,” Nayoung replies, walking back out to the living room.

 

A pregnant silent follows, with Nayoung standing awkwardly and Sejeong lying on the couch. Nayoung can only watch as lethargy and fatigue takes over the other girl, her petite body suffering so much from overworking such that there’s almost no bits of energy left within her, and Nayoung just wishes to bring back the lively girl she was.

 

“Nayoung?” Sejeong’s tone tilts to a question, as if doubting whether the older girl is still there. “My solo promotions end today.”

 

Nayoung doesn’t utter a single word as she makes her way towards the couch, holding Sejeong in her arms as she rests her head on Nayoung’s shoulder.

 

“Now I get to see you everyday,” she titters, the vibrating at her throat tickling Nayoung’s collarbones as she laughs. “Thank you, Nayoung.”

 

“For?”

 

“For always being here for me,” Sejeong whispers, “For making this hellhole of a dormitory feel like home, even though all I do here is sleep.”

 

Nayoung feels her heart swell at the flattering comment, and thinks about all the time she feels betrayed by the fact that Sejeong left her for her schedules. And then she remembers that it’s a need rather than a want, and that if Sejeong had a choice, maybe she would choose her.

 

“Want to grab supper?” Sejeong asks, breaking her thoughts. Nayoung frowns at her, eyes trailing the gray circles under Sejeong’s eyes and her disheveled appearance. “But–”

 

“No buts,” Sejeong interrupts, “Supper or nah?”

 

Nayoung doesn’t mention that it’s too late and too cold outside, doesn’t mention that she’s about to puke from the abundance of food she’s had for dinner, and only nods her head in consent, smile gone softly shy.

 

“Sure.”

 

In the dim lights she sees Sejeong smiling back at her, grin slightly cheeky and teasing, and when she suppresses the urge to nudge the other girl playfully, she realizes that nothing’s really changed. Sejeong may have became a busier person, spending more and more time with her solo promotions and less and less time with the members, but when all of these die down, she’s back to square one, the girl who finds joy in things as simple as making fun of her members, the girl who appreciates every single thing without being arrogant or complacent, the girl who Nayoung finds solace in. And with that knowledge, Nayoung thinks that it’s all worth it.

 

 

 

 


End file.
